Monday, September 30, 2013

Back to work

I have been working from home for the last 3 weeks and today is my first day back in the office. I had been dreading going back, everybody knows what happened and it just feels like, "Hey, I'm back. I failed". :(

It wasn't so bad, everybody was happy to see me, only one person kinda/sorta brought up the thing-that-must-not-be-named. It's kind of a sad day too, I keep feeling bummed.

Good news: my wonderful mother sent me a Welcome Back bouquet! She's the best.

- Sausha

Thursday, September 26, 2013


Well, I had the miscarriage on Monday. It was horrible, in all ways. Painful and sad, but I made it through! I am doing better emotionally and physically now. The husband and I have decided to wait a few (maybe several) months before trying again with another FET. I am going to get into an exercise routine and have switched to an all organic, healthy diet about 3 weeks ago.

The doctor didn't suggest that the reason for the miscarriage was due to being a bit overweight or anything, it's just a personal choice. It's not like it will hurt anything to get in better shape!

I will continue to post things here. For a while it will just be about life rather than babies, but I don't want to get out of the habit and this is, after all, part of the journey!

- Sausha

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Ugh, I don't even know how to start this post. I am not pregnant anymore.

We had an appointment yesterday to follow up since the last visit we didn't see a heartbeat (doc thought maybe it was still too early) and again, there was no heartbeat. It did have one at 5wks4days, so it's been over a week since the beat hasn't been there. Doc gave us 3 options, let it come out naturally, use a pill that you insert that causes massive cramping and will push it out, or a D & C.

We are still waiting for it to come out naturally, Dr. K said if it doesn't happen in 2 weeks we will have to do another option, I realized later that since there hasn't been a heartbeat in a week, does that count as one week already? I just want it out, but I would really like it to just happen on it's own.

I am very thankful to still have 11 frozen embryos.

Sorry for the grim post,


Thursday, September 12, 2013

Break the Silence

It's been a long time since I have written! Well, it has been a crazy last few days.

I went to work as normal on Monday, though I felt nauseous and was having some weird cramping. I have been cramping pretty much the whole time since the transfer, but this just felt different somehow. Around 11am, I went to the bathroom and had some light spotting, I was already concerned about the cramps and told my mom (who happens to be my boss at work) that I needed to go home an lay down. After I packed my stuff I decided to go to the bathroom one last time to check everything out. There was a LOT of blood this time. I was really upset, I had my mom come in with me and she just sat with me for a bit.

I went to lay down in our sitting area at work while I called the doctor. We were told to come in for an ultrasound to check things out. So, I called my husband to come pick me up and off we went.

We arrived at the doctor and were seen pretty much right away. Dr. K explained that we would be looking for a black spot with a white halo around it. When he put the magic wand thing in I instantly saw a black ball, he moved the stick around a bit and there it was again! He showed us where the yolk sac was and where the baby was! We could even see it's tiny little heart beating, which the doctor said was quite impressive since it's so early! I am only 5 weeks and 4 days.  He said that it was possible that there were two babies and that I had just lost one, but this baby seemed just fine.
We were so happy, it was definitely more than I could have hoped for!

I went home and rested for the remainder of the day. The next morning, I went to work again because I was feeling just fine. Same thing happened. Around 11am I started bleeding again. I went straight home after that. When I arrived home I went to the bathroom and a huge glob came out, I don't know what things come out in a miscarriage as I hadn't had one before this but it was very big and had shape to it, it wasn't just shredded tissue. I called the doctor again but it was too late to come in that day so they scheduled me for Wednesday. This time the bleeding lasted much longer and I had cramps a lot longer. I was pretty sad all night, but I had come to terms with the fact that I may have lost the second baby. I am a big believer in the fact that things happen for a reason. Not that I can't control my own actions, or decide my own fate, just that things that happen in my life are for a purpose. So, if this pregnancy didn't work out, I believe that it's for a reason, not just because I did "something bad to deserve this" or that "I am being tested". So, knowing there is no way to stop a miscarriage, I just reminded myself that perhaps this one wasn't meant to be. Rough stuff, in any case!

Wednesday morning we arrived back to the doctor, I was still lightly bleeding at this point, and are taken to a room where we wait for about half an hour. I was trying to be as positive as possible, hoping that it might be leftover from the first time. Finally, Dr. K comes in and asks what happened. I told him I had more bleeding and explained the clot and told him how I was hoping it was from the first time. He said, "well, we didn't see a clot yesterday". Oh yeah. Crap. Okay so let's just get this done. I lay down and he sticks me with the wand again and I see the black spot. It does look a little bit different than yesterday, he had to do a bit more looking around. "Well, I see the gestational sac....and that's the yolk sac. It looks like this pregnancy is progressing". Sweet! However, we couldn't see the heartbeat this time but he did say that it was still really early and he doesn't usually see it at this point anyway. He has no way of knowing whether the heartbeat stopped, or we just can't see it. So, we are in limbo until next Wednesday. I am extremely hopeful though since I can clearly see that the clot that came out wasn't this pregnancy. Everything is still in there! Oh, and he did point to one darker area in the uterus and said this is likely where the bleeding is coming from.

I seriously love my doctor. He is so kind, yet truthful. He doesn't want to give false hope but also doesn't go the other direction of preparing us for the worst. He wants us to stay positive! He said he was writing this visit off as No Charge, because he knows it can get expensive. This man is honestly so kind. He does his job to help, not strictly for the money. I can't say enough good things about him!

I am on bed rest now, for likely the first trimester. He didn't assign me this, it's just my own decision since all I did was go to work when the bleeding started. I would rather go through bedrest for a few months and keep this little bugger inside where it belongs than go to work and risk the alternative!

So, I would very much appreciate all of your positive thoughts! And if you have an suggestions of things to do while lying down the majority of the day, let me know! :D

- Sausha

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Beta Tests


  • First beta: 420

  • Second beta (4 days later): over 2000, I didn't get an exact number. 

So this is good news! I am definitely officially pregnant and I go to the doctor on the 11th for the first ultrasound!! My doctor was kind enough to move it up a few days as I will be out of town when I hit the 6 1/2 week mark. :)

  • I haven't really been nauseous, only a little bit if I let myself get hungry. 

  • I have been suuuuper tired and having a really hard time sleeping at night. I toss and turn. I hope that goes away soon, I am pretty much a zombie all day. 

  • I have had period-like cramps off an on since the transfer, nothing really painful though, just minor grumblings. 

And there you have it! I will update again soon :)

- Sausha