Break the Silence

It's been a long time since I have written! Well, it has been a crazy last few days.

I went to work as normal on Monday, though I felt nauseous and was having some weird cramping. I have been cramping pretty much the whole time since the transfer, but this just felt different somehow. Around 11am, I went to the bathroom and had some light spotting, I was already concerned about the cramps and told my mom (who happens to be my boss at work) that I needed to go home an lay down. After I packed my stuff I decided to go to the bathroom one last time to check everything out. There was a LOT of blood this time. I was really upset, I had my mom come in with me and she just sat with me for a bit.

I went to lay down in our sitting area at work while I called the doctor. We were told to come in for an ultrasound to check things out. So, I called my husband to come pick me up and off we went.

We arrived at the doctor and were seen pretty much right away. Dr. K explained that we would be looking for a black spot with a white halo around it. When he put the magic wand thing in I instantly saw a black ball, he moved the stick around a bit and there it was again! He showed us where the yolk sac was and where the baby was! We could even see it's tiny little heart beating, which the doctor said was quite impressive since it's so early! I am only 5 weeks and 4 days.  He said that it was possible that there were two babies and that I had just lost one, but this baby seemed just fine.
We were so happy, it was definitely more than I could have hoped for!

I went home and rested for the remainder of the day. The next morning, I went to work again because I was feeling just fine. Same thing happened. Around 11am I started bleeding again. I went straight home after that. When I arrived home I went to the bathroom and a huge glob came out, I don't know what things come out in a miscarriage as I hadn't had one before this but it was very big and had shape to it, it wasn't just shredded tissue. I called the doctor again but it was too late to come in that day so they scheduled me for Wednesday. This time the bleeding lasted much longer and I had cramps a lot longer. I was pretty sad all night, but I had come to terms with the fact that I may have lost the second baby. I am a big believer in the fact that things happen for a reason. Not that I can't control my own actions, or decide my own fate, just that things that happen in my life are for a purpose. So, if this pregnancy didn't work out, I believe that it's for a reason, not just because I did "something bad to deserve this" or that "I am being tested". So, knowing there is no way to stop a miscarriage, I just reminded myself that perhaps this one wasn't meant to be. Rough stuff, in any case!

Wednesday morning we arrived back to the doctor, I was still lightly bleeding at this point, and are taken to a room where we wait for about half an hour. I was trying to be as positive as possible, hoping that it might be leftover from the first time. Finally, Dr. K comes in and asks what happened. I told him I had more bleeding and explained the clot and told him how I was hoping it was from the first time. He said, "well, we didn't see a clot yesterday". Oh yeah. Crap. Okay so let's just get this done. I lay down and he sticks me with the wand again and I see the black spot. It does look a little bit different than yesterday, he had to do a bit more looking around. "Well, I see the gestational sac....and that's the yolk sac. It looks like this pregnancy is progressing". Sweet! However, we couldn't see the heartbeat this time but he did say that it was still really early and he doesn't usually see it at this point anyway. He has no way of knowing whether the heartbeat stopped, or we just can't see it. So, we are in limbo until next Wednesday. I am extremely hopeful though since I can clearly see that the clot that came out wasn't this pregnancy. Everything is still in there! Oh, and he did point to one darker area in the uterus and said this is likely where the bleeding is coming from.

I seriously love my doctor. He is so kind, yet truthful. He doesn't want to give false hope but also doesn't go the other direction of preparing us for the worst. He wants us to stay positive! He said he was writing this visit off as No Charge, because he knows it can get expensive. This man is honestly so kind. He does his job to help, not strictly for the money. I can't say enough good things about him!

I am on bed rest now, for likely the first trimester. He didn't assign me this, it's just my own decision since all I did was go to work when the bleeding started. I would rather go through bedrest for a few months and keep this little bugger inside where it belongs than go to work and risk the alternative!

So, I would very much appreciate all of your positive thoughts! And if you have an suggestions of things to do while lying down the majority of the day, let me know! :D

- Sausha


  1. Aw, praying that your little sticky baby sticks around! You have a great attitude towards the whole thing (if it turned out to be a miscarriage, which thankfully it wasn't).
    Hope the bleeding stops and the week goes quickly!

  2. Well, having just experienced 2.5 months of bed rest I can say reading, Netflix, visitors (one our two kind souls) to talk about positive stuff and assists. Eat healthy, vitamins and water. I also colored some of my husbands drawings and one a day for short amounts of time sat outside. Unless it was too hot. Did nothing stressful. You have my positive thoughts fully, I check back all the time. It's good to know your doctor is doing what he can to help, I love that.

  3. Good luck with your bed rest! Just found your blog and sending sticky thoughts to keep that baby in place.

    1. Hi Jessah, thank you!! I really appreciate it :D


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